One Time in Morrowind
by Moogle from Cyrodiil
Summary: One time, in Morrowind, we heard the funniest thing! Okay, so Chapter 1 isn't /that/ funny, but it's still pretty good. Ficlets based on NPC greetings.


One Time in Morrowind…

By Moogle from Cyrodiil

Author's Note: I got the idea for this fiction when playing the game amusing my spell "_The Elder Charm". _I was originally just using it to get people to give me the answers I needed, but as I went deeper and deeper into the game, I used it for fun as much as 'business'. Some of the greetings I heard from these people, charm or no, were so hilarious, that I just needed to put them down on paper, and that paper turned to word (not Word™) and to Fanfiction. I hope you enjoy.

Ordinators-!!-

((And I know, who would want to be with "him", but there's someone for everyone))

The No Named Club was as quiet as usual, and the only noise was the slight hum of conversation. The greef was flowing and the Hlaalu members discussed business and life, ebony and gaur hides. Councilman Curio walked over to a lone Dunmer with two goblets of flin. Sitting one down in front of her and sipping the other he chided, "I haven't seen you this woe ridden since you asked me to be your patron. What's wrong dumpling?"

She accepted the flin and the company, raising her head and raising the goblet to her lips. She downed the drink in one try then gazed at him with a bored, detached expression on her face. "They're worse than you. Much worse than you. Besides, I've gotten used to you, ser."

The Imperial looked very amused at this. Someone more of a sexual deviant than himself? He highly doubted that but didn't question. Playfully in mock earnestness, he implored, "Who is it? Does someone need a spanking by Uncle Crassius?"

Her sad red eyes looked at him. Nonchalantly she stated, "Now who would be giving the spanking: You or the ordinators from the Office of the Watch?"

The councilman visibly tensed. An ordinator? Oh, that wouldn't be good at all. They wore Indoril armor and were trained in martial and arcane arts from cradle to grave. Worry painted his features; his pudding should only be harassed by him, and no one else. He'd have to put a stop to this. "That is not the question to ask. The question is, 'which canton does he prowl?' and 'When does he shadow you?'" Gears in the sick mind of Crassius started spinning, plotting, and scheming.

Now she was confused. "He usually patrols Hlaalu Canton plaza and usually when I have to report in business. Why? What are you planning?"

He smiled and said, "Meet me tomorrow, my room, before noon." Then he left with the rest of his full goblet of flin and left to his room, leaving his mistress alone and confused. At that moment, he didn't care. There was research to be done.

!#!

He plotted all night, calling upon his hirelings and subordinates for running favors and retrieving books and daggers. He plotted all morning too, tidying up the room and placing the last few pieces of his ploy. All of the proper bribes and intimidations had been given all by eleven and the tired Curio sat down at his desk and took a short nap. This nap was unbroken until a light rasp at the door and the Dunmer from the night before came in.

Crassius turned around groggily and the weak smile on his petite Dunmer's face. They exchanged hellos and Cassius got up. "There's just one thing I need you to do, pumpkin: take off the glass armor and leave your dagger here. And you might as well take off that enchanted robe, too."

She looked at him oddly. "You mean we're not going to, to you know… _do_ him in?"

Curio rolled his eyes. "Do you really desire me to be locked up in Ebonheart or Moonmoth for a few years? " He looked around the room as a few nonspecific points then whispered, "I've heard that they know when one of their own has been attacked. It's the result of some charm Vivec places on each of them personally. I'm not one to have a horde of daedra on my tail."

The dunmer lifted one eye brow but said no more. She trusted him well enough and did as he said. Well, almost. She traded her Wizard Robe in exchange for her metal knuckles (she loved her enchanted rings, very good for bludgeoning, they are). She took his elbow and they casually walked towards the door. Before they left, he picked up a large bag. Then Crassius took both of her shoulders and said, "Now stay close, and play along."

She nodded and then they walked out the door. They casually walked for a few minutes before an ordinator, not the culprit, but another spied Crassius and ran over. From behind his golden mask, the ordinator's voiced bellowed, "You, Crassius Curio, have been accused of tax evasion and misconduct in the Arena. You must pay the fine of six-thousand drakes to the King of Vvardenfell and Three-thousand five-hundred septims to the Emperor. Also, a mandatory stay in prison is required and will be enacted immediately. Come with me now or I have the right to smite you where you stand and claim all your property in the name of Hlaalu Helseth."

Crassius cursed. The Dunmer slowly turned her head towards him, her face menacing. Sarcasm oozed from her voice as she crescendo'd. "You can tell me what Ebonheart's like. I'll be expecting a detailed description."

He bowed his head, defeated as the guard took him away. Now alone, she stood there helpless and deflated for a few seconds. Then, from behind herself, she heard boots she had come to loathe and dread. One of his gloved hands rested on her shoulder and the bearers arm draped upon her back. It urged her foreword, and she protested. His hand pinched the sensitive part of her shoulder and she unwillingly obliged his request, walking very slowly towards the outside of the canton. The door creaked open, pushed by his invisible magic and closed in the same.

The sun was high overhead and the day shown with a radiant and jovial glow. The air was not hot, yet cool like the summer in Solsthiem. She struggled a little, now that she was on the outside, trying to assuage his grip. For a moment or two, one of her hands was free, but the Ordinator quickly reclaimed it. She wished she hadn't listened to Crassius and brought her armor. She felt defenseless and helpless without her weapons. She felt like an imbecile for not learning hand-to-hand combat now.

Once they were in a one of those arced ramps, he stopped and forced her against a wall. Behind the gold mask, malice and accomplishment occupied his face. The first thing he said was, "Let's not make this personal, scum. I've had my eye, and hands, on you for a while. You've evaded me those times, but you're lecherous friend is gone. There are no other guards patrolling here, so you'll have to get used to a new lecherous man.

With that, he took off his mask and showed her his tattooed face. His eyes were white; his hair was almost blue in color. His fangs gleamed in the sun and he was just about to sink his fangs into her when he saw the Captain of the Watch materialize to his side, along with a hand full of other guards. He cursed. Next time he picked his day-time targets, he would make sure they were of no rank. He quickly called upon his vampiric abilities and vanished into the canton.

The captain of the watch came forward rapidly and caught the fainting female mer the vampire so quickly parted from. As the captain took her back inside the canton, the other guards went searching for the vampire rouge.

When the captain entered, he was greeted by the smiling face of Crassius Curio who looked triumphantly at the gold-faced man. "I assume you have all the evidence to banish him from the Watch now?"

The captain nodded and inquired, "I believe so councilor, May I assume you wish for your late taxes to be waved or a full refund next year?"

Crassius shook his head and replied, "No, I'll pay my dues now." He took out that bag he had taken from his manor and gave it to the captain. "I assume I can trust you with this?"

"Of course." He took the money then transferred the fainted Dunmer to the councilor. Then the Hlaalu members went off into the canton feeling safe, legal, and happy. Although, the Dunmer _was_ fainted, so she thought this later.

No one thinks of Curio in this light, so I made him this way. I know its o the best, but it was fun to right and I plan to do a funnier one as soon as I think of another way to twist NPC's greetings.

Remember; help me help you by helping me and reviewing.

Moogle from Cyrodiil


End file.
